Am I still get anxious meeting people in general? Yes. Specially in my township. It’s like trying to avoid any questions that lead to how my college goes, why was I getting too late to graduate, or why I even gave up Uni. And there’s this fear of people would judge me being not have sense of compassion towards my parents. Actually I want to be real and honest to every people I meet, but being tell your story in detail to every single people (stranger or not) is kind of too much right; telling that you’re not fine at the moment because of this and that…, your road is more bumpy than any other person’s road, but it isn’t true right? every person struggling their own. And so if you tell the detail in purpose of those person will understand your strugle at a whole level of understanding, there’s no guarantee at all. They are always have an opinion about you, or assumption based on what they’ve known. Just their perseption.
This situation, spontaniously led yourself to (if I can say it) faking yourself with the short answer that didn’t represent your true feeling at all. Like whatever make the conversations over, and how to make those person remain have good opinion about you.
These are things that I’ve been struggling with, back and forth. I just couldn’t face people’s judgment, so instead of lying I hide myself to the corner. Have no social activity, afraid of everything that possibly hurt me in my mind. Admitting I’m not good enough to them. Sense of shameness and guilty side of myself, there’s nothing of yourself to be proud of. Fear of you’re being just a dust among them. That is why I feel like there’s no need showing my face in front of my peer. Feeling inferior and all those kind of insecurity. I’m sorry to my self. :’)
So the other day i came to realisation, that if I continue hiding myself like this, I could be very lonely. A lonely wolf. You don’t know who to ask help if you need help to be honest. Even still shy to speak up about my situation with who I call my best-friend. Maybe, I still hard in accepting myself. It’s an everyday work.
Recently, one of BTS member named RM, give me so much inpiration, through his handwritten graphic about his life:
This is such an #Epiphany for me, how flukey and joyous I am, finding these words: “Amor Fati” it must be very deep, then I dug what’s the meaning. It’s a phrase from Nietzche, his formula of greatness. Basically it’s “love of one’s fate”. If I can sum it up with my personal view, it’s accepting your reality, accepting where you are, your qualities, your flaws, everything your self. And This is what I found on twitter from an ARMY (fans of BTS) @astrosonyeondan:
It’s making amends with all past occurrences & welcoming all future comings. It’s taking things as they come, not as they should be.
Thank you! Couldn’t thank you enough to RM who brought up this phrase to their fans. Including ME, I can’t hide my inner-ARMY feeling.
It’s not too late if YOU want to be good in accepting yourself. Accepting myself, serve love to every human being. I wanna love myself more by accepting my flaw then give other people permission to have their opinion about me despite good or bad.
Amor fati… 🙂
*this post is actually a complete version of my tweet several months ago.